Free to Worship

14 Aug

Anyone who knows me, who truly knows me, knows that I love to worship. There’s a safety, a peace, a comfort that I find in being in the presence of God through worship that is unknown to me in any other place. I find that I’m the happiest when I’m fully enthralled in the presence of God. It’s truly an amazing feeling. But over the last couple years things have changed. That part of my soul that lived to be in the presence of God was suppressed to the point of nearly being dead.

When I lived in New Orleans I went to a church that was extremely charismatic and worship centered. Seeing people dropped to their knees fully engulfed in the presence of God was an every Sunday occurrence. It was beautiful. Being free to worship without fear of being judged or criticized was an amazing feeling. Then I got laid off and had to move back to my hometown and leave the church that I loved so much. I was back in my hometown and back in that country baptist church where worship meant clapping along as the choir sang or if the choir was really doing their thang, you could stand.

So I suppressed my desire to be free in worship. I didn’t stand, I didn’t lift my hands, I didn’t sing along, I just sat there. I didn’t want them to see that side of me. If they did what would they think? What if I got so caught up in worship that I started speaking in tongues, which happened regularly. Would they think I was crazy? Probably. So I stopped worshiping. I just sat there service after service burying my worship further and further inside. I let what I thought others would think become more meaningful to me than being in the presence of The Almighty and soon this carried over to my personal worship time. Worship songs still moved me. Lyrics still had an impact on me, but I was no longer able to worship freely.

Over the past couple days something has changed. I feel that suppressed part of me resurfacing. The longer to be in the presence of God has become so strong I could no longer ignore it. It’s like that ex you had that you didn’t officially break up with, but just stopped calling who suddenly shows up at your house refusing to be ignored. It’s beckoning me. It’s waking me up in the middle of the night wanting me to spend time with it. It’s tired of me ignoring it and trying to bury it again whenever it attempts to resurface and I’m tired of bondage not letting it be free has created. So I’m letting it back out. I’m apologizing to God for letting my self-consciousness come before him. So far this has translated to my personal worship time, which is increasing more and more. Will I feel that same desire publicly, I’m not sure, but if I do, I refuse to suppress it. My passion and desire for God and being in His presence once again means more to me than my insecurities and care for what people think of me.  So yeah, I’m gonna sing and wave my hands like a crazy person, and cry, and speak in tongues, and let myself get so caught up in the presence of God that I have no knowledge of what’s going on around me. I’m gonna be free. #DealWithIt

xoxo

One Response to “Free to Worship”

  1. Larry Trowbridge Sr. August 14, 2011 at 8:11 pm #

    Love you Kimmie! This spoke volumes to me. While I may not have ever been to the level of worship you are getting back to, I seem to be having similar feelings of being tired of suppressing my desires of worshiping in the way that truly represents how I’m feeling t times.

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